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Bush Nominates Scalia to Fill Vacant Court Seat
Crawford, Texas

President George W. Bush surprised political pundits and Washington insiders Sunday by announcing his nominee to replace Sandra Day O'Connor just two days following her resignation. "It is with great pride that I announce my intention to nominate Antonin Scalia to be the second Italian-American on the Supreme Court," Bush said at an impromptu press conference held near some unruly brush on his Texas ranch. "Mr. Scalia has proven time and time again that he is very knowledgeable of the workings of this branch of our federal government. I trust his judgment and admire his willingness to work closely with the Vice President on matters of our right to privacy at the expense of that of regular Americans."

Senate Democrats are already preparing for a long battle over Scalia's confirmation. Shortly after the press conference, Senator Diane Feinstein (D-California) said she was girding herself for "the filibuster of a lifetime." When asked directly what she thought of the nomination of Scalia, Feinstein replied, "The president has once again failed to bring an acceptable nominee for a critical position. First, he appointed neo-conservative judges for lower federal courts. Now this. I'm not even sure it's constitutional for someone to hold two seats concurrently. In fact, I think we might have a case to take all the way to the Supreme Court." After a brief pause, she continued with, "Oh, shit."

Bill Frist (R-Tennessee), Senate Majority Leader, had a different perspective on the nomination. "With Scalia's being on the Court already and all, I'm not sure we even have to confirm him. Didn't a different Senate do that in the 80s? Without worrying about this Court battle, we can get back to important issues, like why I have to kiss Bush's ass if I want to run for president someday. This guy is making me look like a douche."

Reaction was mixed from other members of Court. "I welcome the idea that another great mind will be soon be joining us," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who was joined in the opinion with Chief Justice William Rehnquist. "If I weren't so old, I'd be chomping at the bit for an opportunity like this," he gasped. Justice Stevens and Ginsberg wrote a blistering dissent. "If the Court is to be made into a mockery, we shall be forced to remain steadfast in our approach to every case," wrote Ginsberg, "and man, I need a drink. To the extent this nomination denigrates the dignity of the Court, we can only point to precedent, and hell, everyone stopped respecting this institution when Clarence Thomas was confirmed."

When asked for comment, Justice Thomas offered silence.