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Weapons of Mass Destruction Discovered on Mars

Washington, D.C., In a triumphant press conference, "President" George W. Bush unveiled the newest findings from the Mars Rover, confirming the intelligence reports that Mars has been manufacturing weapons of mass destruction. "Martian technology has long been the focus of our secret intelligence programs," Bush stated. "Now that we have found the real threat, we are confident that we can focus our resolve to stopping this threat." Bush then added, "Make no mistake, we can't do that until after we've banned gay marriage."
Democratic rivals of the "president" were quick to criticize the findings, citing Bush's previous excited press conferences in which he claimed to have found weapons of mass destruction in the New Mexico countryside. Presidential candidate Senator John Kerry promised to verify the findings with U.N. inspectors, an idea applauded by every citizen of Earth but Bush's cabinet.