Bush Vows to "Kick Mother Nature's Ass if that Bitch Tries to Tsunami U.S."

Washington, D.C.-- During a weekly radio address, President George W. Bush expressed feigned sympathy for the victims of the devastating tsunami but focused his remarks upon U.S. preparedness for a similar disaster. Citing reports that Mother Nature attempted to obtain weapons-grade plutonium from an Iranian nuclear operation, as well as powdercake uranium from Nigeria, Mr. Bush delivered an unequivocal threat. "Make no mistake, the natural forces of evil have no place in America. If Mother Nature believes America will be victimized by a simyalur natural attack, that bitch best cover her ass, or she'll find Toby Keith's boot up it."

During the address, which lasted nearly forty-five minutes, the president offered a vision of continued American prosperity during future natural disasters. "The Defense Department is working with intelligence officials and top creationist scientists to predict future disasters so we can be there, ready to invade without the unfortunate insurgency we are currently facing in Iraq."

Defense Department officials confidently stated that soon predicting natural disasters will be rendered unnecessary, asserting that weapons programs currently in experimental forms could be used to initiate "acts of God." Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz announced, "Soon we will have no use for the tedious study of seismographs to predict massive opportunities for hegemony. While the current developments are still classified, I can tell you that fault lines and subduction zones have never seen a tactical bunker buster like what we'll show them."

Mr. Bush called upon all Americans to take note of the power Mother Nature, citing the extremely active hurricane season of 2004, the recent snowstorms and floods in the Ohio River Valley and the floods and mudslides in California. He then said to multiply that "by, like, fifty bazillion" for what the U.S. military can do. "Also," he added, "we have no proof that the California thing isn't God's punishment for the overwhelming support the citizens showed for stem cell research, not the mention all those gay marriages last year in San Francisco or the good possibility that Mel Gibson's movie will be snubbed by Oscar."

"We have seen [Mother Nature] try to wreak havoc upon this freedom-loving, peaceful, and God-fearing nation," Mr. Bush said. "Our resolve is strong, we will not be broken by a few downed trees and giant mudslides. If that bitch tries to tsunami us, we'll kick her ass."

Mother Nature was unavailable for comment.