Bush and Ashcroft Tie the Knot
What Happens in Vegas Doesn't Stay in Vegas

In a shocking turn of events, "President" George W. Bush and U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft were married Tuesday, just hours after Bush decried gay marriage as one of the "greatest threats" facing the nation. Prior to the nuptuals, Bush attacked the judicial branch of the government, calling it full of "fruit pansy balldaggers."

"Activist courts have left the people with one recourse," said the "President." "If we are to prevent the meaning of marriage of arbitrarily being between one man and one woman from being changed forever, our nation must arbitrarily enact a constitutional amendment to discriminate against those who have the audaciousness to be happy and protect arbitrary heterosexual marriage in America." Within the next three amazing hours, however, Bush divorced his wife, became a vegetarian, and practiced opening the closet door.

John Ashcroft, also a former opponent of gay marriage, swung 180 degrees, stating that the "way things have been going lately, the only way" for him to ever have sexual relations again would be to marry a powerful gay man. "And that man," Ashcroft said in a poignant public message detailing his most private thoughts, "is George W. Bush."

As usual, Bush is unapologetic about his actions. "I'm a war 'president,'" he said, "and whether that war is about arbitrarily bombing nations with no real evidence of any threat or whether it is about my years of latent homosexuality, I will attack it head on, in a most arbitrary manner."

The ceremony between Bush and Ashcroft was performed by Reverend Jerry Falwell, who also later proclaimed his homosexuality, joining in a three way marriage with Pat Robertson and Orrin Hatch.