Bush and Ashcroft Tie the Knot
What Happens in Vegas Doesn't Stay in Vegas

In a shocking turn of events, "President" George W. Bush and U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft were married Tuesday, just hours after Bush decried gay marriage as one of the "greatest threats" facing the nation. Prior to the nuptuals, Bush attacked the judicial branch of the government, calling it full of "fruit pansy balldaggers."

"Activist courts have left the people with one recourse," said the "President." "If we are to prevent the meaning of marriage of arbitrarily being between one man and one woman from being changed forever, our nation must arbitrarily enact a constitutional amendment to discriminate against those who have the audaciousness to be happy and protect arbitrary heterosexual marriage in America." Within the next three amazing hours, however, Bush divorced his wife, became a vegetarian, and practiced opening the closet door.

John Ashcroft, also a former opponent of gay marriage, swung 180 degrees, stating that the "way things have been going lately, the only way" for him to ever have sexual relations again would be to marry a powerful gay man. "And that man," Ashcroft said in a poignant public message detailing his most private thoughts, "is George W. Bush."

As usual, Bush is unapologetic about his actions. "I'm a war 'president,'" he said, "and whether that war is about arbitrarily bombing nations with no real evidence of any threat or whether it is about my years of latent homosexuality, I will attack it head on, in a most arbitrary manner."

The ceremony between Bush and Ashcroft was performed by Reverend Jerry Falwell, who also later proclaimed his homosexuality, joining in a three way marriage with Pat Robertson and Orrin Hatch.

I wish my Cake cd weren't in Germany.


Finally, I'm going on record and saying that I really like my new role. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I love my job, and when I say that I'm all right with waking my ass up at 5:30 to be at the Magic Kingdom at 6:45, I hope people take notice. Having said that, here is a list of things to rant about.

#1. Everyday I need to come home to shower off the estrogen that festers in the office and lingers over the facilitators everyday. That's not right.

#2. If I were to talk about a high school senior girl that was attractive, I would be a pervert, but for the female facilitators to make comments about the high school senior boys is perfectly acceptable. That's not right.

#3. When I finish with my program, I need something to do other than "arts and crafts" time. That's really not right.

#4. If we are truly about offering educational programs to the students, I would appreciate more enthusiasm for continuous improvement of our offerings, rather than failing to effect change (trust me, it's effect, not affect) in our material because of politicized and personal sentiment.

#5. On that same note, I would also appreciate knowing that our programs are written by someone who has more than a GED and the ability to fill in the bubble for "some college" on a job application. Ouch, even I think that was mean, but sometimes we need to face the facts, and those facts are DEFINITELY not right.

Shut up, Bill Richardson. I would like to take this moment to say that I welcome Ralph Nader's decision to enter the race for the White House. Will I vote for Ralph Nader in November? Most likely not, but hearing a different voice in the race is something that should be welcomed, not discouraged, regardless of what people think Nader did in 2000 when a "vote for Nader was a vote for Bush."

Whatever.

A vote for Nader in 2000 was a vote for a refreshing, progressive change, which is something that should always be welcomed. Corporations DO have their tentacles wrapped around our democratic process. The Democratic Party is not that different from most people's version of the GOP (Bush's neo-conservative lackeys aside). Am I concerned that Nader will split the liberal, progressive wing of the democratic party from the moderate wing? No. That would be ridiculous. But Bill Richardson's claim that Nader is running solely based on his own ego is a ridiculous charge. EVERY CANDIDATE THAT HAS EVER RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE IS RUNNING BASED ON EGO, including you, you corrupt bastard. I urge everyone to vote what their conscience tells them, because a vote for a Democrat or Nader is a vote against that flatulent, arrogant pusbag we call a pseudo-President.

Lately, I've had a few bizarre (bordering on the ridiculous) dreams. First, I dreamt that I was being pursued by the police for smoking weed on the campus of the University of Michigan. All of this is somehow symbolic (if you think that Freud had enough brain cells left from his cocaine habit to formulate any real "science"--a suppostion I find difficult to believe), seeing as I have never been "pursued" by the police, have never been on the campus of the University of Michigan, and have never smoked pot (which is not to say I wouldn't go to the UM campus or smoke pot, but that's irrelevant).

Last night I dreamt that I was being chased by a giant talking gorilla, who managed to catch up to me in my car as I was driving around the Epcot perimeter road. If only I could remember what the gorilla told me...

Tonight, one of my roommates participated in a lame Walt Disney World College Program "Singled Out" game at everyone's favorite STD petri dish, Vista Way. He was, naturally, eliminated, and the other roommates and I took pictures of his walk of shame (too bad he was the only one eliminated in his round--sucker). I noticed a few things during this wonderful event that I feel like sharing with you.
1. I am older than just about everyone here. The four people who were doing the "singling out" were 20, 19, 20, and 19, respectively. I remember living in Disney housing when I was 19 and 20, and that seems like quite a long time ago.
2. Chick-Fil-A is a distraction. So are boobies.
3. In a more serious note, I couldn't help but notice that all the categories that were selected to be eliminated (dry sense of humor, casual dress, etc.) are categories into which I FIT. In other words, no 19-year-old sluts want me. Is this a bad thing? Most likely not.
Remember ANYONE but Bush in 2004.